Haiti as "Obama's Katrina

Why Hurricane Katrina Looms Over Obama's Relief Efforts in Haiti

To arbitrarily stack current events against recent history is one mainstream journalism's shittiest mainstays. If you'll forgive me for being cynical, I think it all has to do with Americans reeling to understand how the word "Haiti" -- which just days ago conjured images of voodoo, slums, and the polite disdain we reserve for third world countries -- is now meant to evoke sympathy (Much like "Katrina" used to be that cousin you never talk to, and now automatically puts party-line Republicans on the defensive). This isn't fair: most Americans didn't even consider Haitians people a week ago. How tragic is "Haiti", anyway? Is this, like, Brittany-Murphy's-Death level sadness? Are we allowed to call in sick to work, so we can grieve?

No, this isn't like Brittany Murphy, we're told. It's more like Katrina -- and perhaps one finds it hard to object to that comparison. The deaths tolls are far from identical (Haiti's earthquake currently has roughly twenty-five times as many fatalities), but that seems as trite a way as any to measure a major tragedy. Whether it's five hundred or fifty thousand, one hopes that our relief effort would be similar.

And yet I DO object to this comparison, because the word "Katrina" conjures more than thoughts of tragedy for most Americans at this point. Less than a month after the hurricane struck, there was already justified outrage over President Bush's handling of the disaster. Now, nearly five years later, the word "Katrina" is just a particularly large chunk of ice in the Bush Administration's eight year avalanche of inadequacies.

It's inviting, then, to use this event to compare Obama, favorably or otherwise, to his predecessor. How oh how will Obama measure up? As if it matters.

But simply put, Haiti is not a state, and here's someone smart who agrees with me. (though he seems a bit partisan) The political ramifications are entirely different, the expectations for an end-result will be entirely different, the geo-political response will be entirely different. The country of Haiti has been an ongoing human rights crisis for a long time, and please remember that "human rights crisis" does not mean "racial, ethnic and economic tension." It means human rights crisis.

Doubtlessly, the media will judge Obama's handling of Haiti through the lens of Katrina, and insist over and over again that the disasters are of the same ilk, repeating it over and over until no one thinks to question the differences anymore. It's lazy fucking journalism, it's a distortion of what's happening, and its a huge disservice to everyone involved, from the victims of the earthquake to the people trying to help.

I fucking loved the first Iron Man movie. Specifically, I loved how it set itself up as a stereotypical white-rich-man v. brown people story, but subverted itself in the end by having the Dude Lebowski as the main villain. I mean, the brown people were still one dimensional personifications evil and fodder for humorous deaths (a guy accidentally shooting himself in the face being played for laughs seemed out of place outside Quentin Tarantino) but… I didn't really care because the rest of it was so damn good.

Here's a summary of the video, if for some reason you can't watch YouTube: We get Tony Stark advocating private military enterprises, Tony Stark getting cock-teased by Gwyneth Paltrow, and then boobs!

Boobs? Check. American Flag? You fucking know it.

In short: Things are going well for Stark Industries.

Then we cut to Mickey Rourke doing an awesomely evil Russian Accent, (the likes of which cry for arbitrary capitalization) while talking about the evils of the Stark Family's past arms dealings -- juxtaposed with a shot of what appears to be Tony's body rejecting his magic heart magnet machine-- and then an exploding race car, Tony bleeding from the face, and…

Heh heh... sweet.

In short: Things aren't going well for Stark Industries anymore.

Cue Rourke laughing ominously so we can dissolve into arbitrary action scenes that culminate in our heroes taking on an army of robots -- which is how all trailers should end, really. In short: There will be action in this movie.

and robots.

Now, I'm pretty skeptical about the whole privatization-of-military thing, especially considering the idea's less than glamorous recent history. (Not to mention the strategies less recent history, which is worse) But I DO like that they're continuing the theme of corrupt arms dealer's owning up for their mistakes -- and that Stark is going to be having issues with his chest-thing. It gets less than a second of screen time, but it's the part you should be most interested in: It adds a new, intrinsic villain in the hero's life: his powers themselves. It's fun to see that trope manifested in a manner other than "man, I don't get enough sleep."

Of course, given how the original Iron Man trailer seemed to set the stage for heroic-white-man-arms dealer-beats-up-hooked-nose-villains tropeyness, I'm hopeful that Stark's ridiculous "I've privatized world peace" comment that starts things off proves to be a strawman for later ideological usurpation. Because it makes for more interesting story-telling, dammit.

It probably wouldn't be fair to judge this movie solely on its geo-political and ideological merits, especially since it's about a guy who dresses up in robot armor to fight other people in robot armor. If they don't fuck that part up, it'll still be a good movie and a worthy successor to the best super-hero flick of 2008.

(Fuck you, The Dark Knight. Giving us the best villain of the decade can't save you from the absurdity of Christian Bale's gravelly bat-speak.)

Dark Knight Commentary (Circa July 2008)

Breaking: My Chemical Romance to cover Bob Dylan in Watchmen movie! Also: Dark Knight was kind of undignified

After getting home from The Dark Knight I decided that I was indeed pretentious enough to say that the most entertaining part of the experience was the trailer for the upcoming Watchmen movie. Yes, Zack Snyder is a hack, and yes, Alan Moore's obstinate refusal to participate in the project is rather darkly foreboding. But I must admit i was utterly captivated by the gargantuan gobs of CGI spunk splattered all over the screen. Enough so to ignore the niggling doubt that people who hadn't read the comic book (Graphic novel) were either non-plussed or totally WTFucked.

In other words, I may as well mail Zacky boy my ten dollars right now, because I'm already dangling off his hook and hating myself for being so mindlessly drawn to arbitrarily shiny objects.

Cock.

Anyway. Dark Knight. I guess I couldn't expect any less than blatant right-wing ideology being crammed down my throat(especially from something that nicks its name from a Frank Miller "book"), but at least The Joker kept me gleefully distracted from it until the whole cell-phone... thing. Yes, Heath Ledger's performance is the coolest thing to ever happen to the franchise, but he's only one character, and even though it wouldn't surprise me to see The Academy nominate him in the "lead actor" category, he's really just there to support the horrendously overwrought hero. It's a bit like using an expertly crafted, meticulously sharpened rapier to shish-ka-bob a polished turd with a plastic cape glued on. Not my best metaphor, but bear with me.

And speaking of overwrought-ing, don't go to Dark Knight expecting the playful caricature of reality you found in Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk. Director Chris Nolan's vision is beyond such childish cinematic indulgences, like being "fun" or "enjoyable," and instead delivers itself like moral insight, expecting you to leave the theatre enlightened, uplifted, and voting straight down the Republican lines. The problem is, it's also about a rich white guy who dresses up in black rubber and fights a guy who, when you get right down to it, looks like a four yearold who got into mother's make-up. The juxtaposition of exaggerated action antics with morosely delivered dialogue and absolute moral evaluation end up making it all look a bit silly. ATVs transforming into motorcycles, finger prints being pried off fired bullets and sociopathic clowns successfully performing complicated surgeries require relatively light suspension of belief these days. There's even enough support left over for some cleverly slipped in analogies, and maybe a shot at big business or two, but once the heartfelt drama and relentless ideological bludgeoning starts interrupting the flow of the action, the whole thing goes to shit.

But I suppose when you've got a character as fantastic as The Joker and an actor with enough hot, glistening, throbbing talent as Heath Ledger to play him, stuff like "plot" and "cohesion" are really just distractions, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that every one of Ledger's fantastically delivered lines was worth the price of admission alone, even if you do pay for your cheap-ass girlfriend's ticket too. Though Dark Knight ties up quite neatly, the Joker's story had barely been cracked, and the fact that we'll never see what other surprises Nolan and Ledger had in store for us is a true loss for anyone who appreciates film.

Avatar, Some Good Ol' Fashion Pontification On

Avatar is one of those movies that just kind of sits in your brain -- but not in a good way, at least not for me. There were a lot of problems with it, a lot of little niggling details that won't leave me alone, a lot of archetypes that just wren't quite realized. So I'm going to talk about them.

First off, so we're all on the same page, here's the plot in one sentence: This mining company is trying to get "unobtainium" from the surface of the moon Pandora, but the Na'vi are in the way so Sigourney Weaver and Sam Worthington have to use future technology to inhabit artificially created alien bodies and try to talk the cute blue aliens into leaving their home.

Now: the stuff I've been thinking about:

1. Mind Rape.

This is the one I need to get off my chest first. The Na'avi, James Cameron's blue cat-people are scientifically designed to be as visually friendly as possible, while still being different enough to be alien. They're a cross between humans, which are what we are, and cats, which are adorable. They're tall, lithe, very strong, flexible, and the women have boobs. Finally, they're blue -- which is great, it's a really home-y color, you know?

But they're also distinctly alien, in that they ride around on horses, shoot bows and arrows, and have a very close connection to the natural world they live in, unlike anything on-- yes, yes, okay James Cameron, we get it. The Na'vi are Native Fucking Americans. You made an allegory. Good job.

Except they're not Native Americans, are they? They're an idealized, revisionist depiction of them centered around they're aforementioned relationship with the natural world, one that is pretty explicitly sexual. When Jake Sully's (Sam Worthington) blue Avatar Na'vi is playing with his hair-penis, the organ through which he can connect his brain to all the other living things on the planet, the Sigourney Weaver Avatar tells him to not "play with that thing, or (he'll) go blind."

The Na'avi use their hair-penises to connect with everything--literally, every living thing-- that they encounter, from the animals they ride to the tree they live in. When their tendrils touch a horse's, for example, they're bonded, and they can then communicate.

Except it's never just communication. Once a Na'avi connects with another animal, that animal becomes it's bitch. There is literally no exception to this rule: When Jake connects to his first horse… thing, the animal's eyes go wide, it shrieks in alarm, and tries desperately to buck him off. Same thing with the flying creature he encounters: he literally has to wrestle the beast to the ground, and force his hair-penis into the creature's head in order to render it completely docile. Even the Pandora's God, "Eywa," is compelled to do what she's told when Jake sticks his penis in her tree.

I really, really wish that was a metaphor.

2. The Metaphors, They Are A-Literalizin'

As I said, the mystical and religious relationship that Native Americans (and, actually, many cultures from around the world, I just immediately think "Native American" because of how ethnocentric I am) share with their surroundings is made literally true for the Na'vi. There's a network of information on the planet, Sigourney Weaver tells us, that all living things are a part of. She even suggests that it may be electric. This is how Jack Sully can hear the songs of the Na'vi's dead ancestors when he touches his hair-penis to the Tree of Ages. Later, when arguing with the Evil Corporate Executive, she calls it "the real value" of the place.

Well, yeah -- of course, the planets a giant computer, and one that we can quite easily hook-up to if its run off electricity. But as far as the mysticality angle that Cameron's going for, I feel like this is a game break. It's no longer "mystical" (literally, "transcending human understanding") if you can read it with a fucking volt-detector.

Imagine a Lakota explaining to a child the Wakan Tanka ("Great Spirit" or, more accurately, "Great Mystery"), how it is integrated into the fabric of the material world, into the lives of all people, and how we become a piece of it when we die. Now imagine that child responds by pulling out his iPhone, and trying to pick up the Wakan Tanka on his Airport as a wireless network. You'd probably try to explain that he'd missed the point. Now imagine that person has $283 Million Dollars -- and he answers to no one.

Well, I guess you don't have to imagine. You can just go see Avatar.